I defended my undergraduate thesis a few days ago, and now I’m in the middle of my week-long break. It went better than I had expected; I felt relieved. But I didn’t leave me fulfilled.
When I was in Senior High School, I wanted to be a lawyer. But when my teacher in my Philippine Politics and Governance class gave us a taste of what it would be like in law school – making us recite verbatim sections of the Constitution and giving mock law exams, for example – I just knew it wasn’t for me. It was too rigid, too strict of a discipline for my temperament.
Law school was then out of the question. Perhaps a career in academia? But that too I had hesitations. For one, I despised the bureaucratic structure of universities, and the power-tripping that’s ever present in academic circles. Only a handful of professors are actually producing research – much of them pursue higher education degrees only to get tenured. Hence the ridiculous amount of people with PhDs that seem to have third-rate knowledge with their field of study. Us students have to either bite or bear with this.
After my thesis defense I was left with the same feeling I had when I finished all those mock law exams. It was clear to me, my panelists, and my thesis professor that academic writing isn’t my strongest suit. They all even agreed that my thesis looked more like a polemic than an actual research paper. It was too personal, too brash and obvious with its agenda. But the funny thing is that I had never intended it to be a polemic; I don’t even know if I know how to write a polemic.
I am struck too with the realization that I at least have the privilege to choose wherever I want to go, without any grave consequences. I know some who are forced to stay with their career tracks, regardless of if they wanted it or not, either because of family pressure, or just general lack of motivation for life.
For now, I’m making the most of my week-long break. I’ve been burn out for God knows how long now, and I’m surprised that I even manage to get any work done. I’ve yet to revise my manuscript, and submit other overdue requirements but those can wait.
But… where to now?